Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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