Non-Jews are for practice
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
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