I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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