How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
