found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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