Who did Billy Mays play for?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I didn't notice because vodka
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
