On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
