i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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