When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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