You're earring is so big in my mouth
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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