I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
He literally asked permission to hit on me
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
