last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
