When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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