she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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