When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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