If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I need a beard to bite.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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