A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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