I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
