seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
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