Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
