So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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