Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
