apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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