you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
