When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
