so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
