I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize