take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
