I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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