matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I didn't notice because vodka
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
