i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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