My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
