I wanna passion pit in your ass
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
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