I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
