Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
