My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
