Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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