Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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