So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
