she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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