We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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