I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
