Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize