saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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