I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
