Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
