Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
