you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
