my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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