dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
