I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
