I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize