when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
