He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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