I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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