I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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