Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
