If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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