Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize