I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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