"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
