Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize