how can u be prego again
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Randomize
